Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that