[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*