Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Well, this explains it:
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Spring cleaning checklist…
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.