I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
$4 #usedbooks
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
some things should go without saying
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Sunday
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”