Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
listen closely
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule