Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
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*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.