Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
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Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Two types of dogs.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off