[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Some people were born into their job.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
jesus, what did this guy do
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric