That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?