My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
my favorite genre of twitter
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer