Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
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best review i’ve ever seen
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time