Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Software Development ⛵️
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?