I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!