[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I am yelling
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.