*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off