something like this could probably happen to anyone
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Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Not today, today.
Not today.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes