interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game