[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.