Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.