Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”