Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
The internet is magic sometimes.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
A collection of me turning into random objects.