did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
sugar glider wrangler
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you