The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
scrabbled eggs
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you