God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
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[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do