If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
shit just got real
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already