Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
eggs benadryl
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!