[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe