Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”