Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL