What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
You Might Also Like
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say