An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
You Might Also Like
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.