The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
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Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”