[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[montage of me giving-up]
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”