Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.