Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Not😆🤣
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da