The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
me and the Superbowl rn
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee