Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Uh oh…
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.