UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.