Canada has crack?
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.