ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
For those that worship cheese..
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
c’mon!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.