I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.