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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
🤣
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.