[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
🤣😂🤣
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.