The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
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Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
all that yoga finally paid off
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.