Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Who knew!
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.