“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
You Might Also Like
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My typo game is string.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Worth a try
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
❤️❤️❤️
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache