“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
No Google it does not
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.