The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.