Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
You Might Also Like
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
cause of death:
autopsy.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
bias laundering edition
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard