me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
You Might Also Like
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help